Questions To Ask Before Getting Married

Before committing to marriage, there are key questions you should ask yourself and your partner.  And those who are already married can use these questions to improve your marriages.

RULE:  Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and your partner when answering these questions. 

And remember, you are taking this test because you love your mate and want to stay together forever.

Questions to ask about yourself:

Do you like this person as he/she is at the moment, or do you expect him/her to change?

Love is accepting a person for who he/she is, not what you hope he/she will become.  If you are thinking of marrying for “potential,” think again.

Do you like this person for who he/she is? Or because of what they do for a living, the family they come from or how they look?

Would a change in your partner’s status or appearance seriously affect your feelings towards them?  If so, examine your motives for marrying.

Are you comfortable expressing your feelings with this person?

Make sure your partner falls in love with the REAL you – not an imposter.  If you believe you must hide what you think or feel to win their love or approval, you may want to seek premarital counseling to avoid major problems later on.

Why do you want to get married?  Is this the first time you’ve had such intense feelings for someone?  Do you enjoy simply being with them, or is the attraction primarily sexual?  Or are you comfortable with this person but not sexually attracted to them?

TRAP:  Often people who feel it is “time” to get married choose partners who seem safe and dependable – best friends – but later find themselves in therapy wondering why the sex doesn’t work.

What are you looking for in a marriage?  Are you disappointed if your partner fails to take care of your physical or emotional needs?

Men:  Do you expect to be mothered?

Women:  Do you expect him to be your father?

Do you see marriage as an escape from responsibilities?

Marriage cannot fulfill the unmet needs of childhood.  Caution:  Most people are attracted to partners with whom they can repeat their family patterns.

Questions to ask about your partner:

Does your partner frequently criticize, correct or try to “fix” you?

If your partner does not accept you for who you are, expect continual painful conflicts.

Has your partner stated a goal or value with which you are in basic disagreement?

Examples:  I really want to work on my career….I don’t believe in monogamy…I don’t want children.

Has your partner described himself/herself in a way with which you would have conflict?

Examples:  I need to be in control…I have trouble with closeness…None of it was my fault.  A controlling person will eventually try to control you.  A person who describes himself as a victim will cast you as a victimizer.

Questions to discuss with your partner:

Do we have similar lifestyles and attitudes towards money?

It is common for couples to complement each other in this area – one spender, one saver.  But if you are too far apart, it can become a polarizing issue as each partner grows more extreme in response to the other.

Do we share similar sleep patterns and need for solitude versus time together?

Great disparity in these areas can cause misunderstanding and friction.  Example:  A Morning person may accuse the late sleeper of laziness.  One partner may feel rejected when the other simply needs privacy.

What scares you about marriage?  Do you fear feeling trapped?  Losing your freedom?  Losing your sexuality?  Losing your sexual freedom?

Listen patiently, and avoid jumping in to reassure your partner.  It is normal to have fears and helpful to talk about them.

KEY:  Sexuality is a barometer of your inner feelings.  If you lose feelings of arousal at the time of commitment, it can be a sign of difficulty with intimacy.  Helpful:  Individual therapy, premarital couple counseling or group therapy.

Source:  “How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life and Still Love It” by Dagmar O’Connor, PH.D. psychologist and sex therapist, New York City.

Respect

Respect is a word found in almost all wedding ceremonies.  It is truly the foundation of a happy life and an almost 100% guarantee of a successful relationship.

The following is excerpted from the book “Love is a Decision”, by Gary Smalley with John Trent, Word Publishing, Dallas, 1989.

Honor is a more important word when it comes to relationships than love.  Honoring someone means showing respect and believing that person to be special and important.  Here are the top ten ways to dishonor a family member and to ruin a good marriage:

1. Ignore or degrade another person’s opinions, advice or beliefs.
2. Bury yourself in the television or newspaper when another person is trying to communicate with you.
3. Create jokes about another person’s weak areas or shortcomings.  Sarcasm or cutting jokes do lasting harm in a relationship.
4. Make regular verbal attacks on loved ones.  Criticize harshly, be judgmental, deliver uncaring lectures, especially in front of others.
5. Treat in-laws or other relatives as unimportant while making plans or communicating.
6. Ignore or simply don’t express appreciation for kind deeds done for you.  Take your mate for granted.
7. Practice distasteful habits in front of the family—even after you are asked to stop.
8. Overcommit yourself to other projects or people so that everything outside the home seems more important than those inside the home.
9. Participate in power struggles that leave one person feeling childish, or harshly dominated.
10. Be unwilling to admit that you are wrong, or to ask for forgiveness.

• Marriage is created from friendship, respect and love.  May this wedding be the best choice for your lives together.Ua lele wale atu la.  Amene

Marriage Counseling

If you have questions, uncertainties, expect your marriage to solve problems in your relationship, then you could consider a Marriage Counseling Session with Reverend Pomaika`i.

This can be done in person or by phone. To make an appointment phone 808-323-3838.  $75 per 45 minute session.